Monthly Archives: March 2013

Falling in love


I’ll confess, I’ve never been in love before, never had my heart broken. The closest I’ve been is living with my little sister for a month after her daughter was born and then going back home, leaving my baby niece 1200km away. And that hurt.
Somewhere in the last five and a half months, I think a little after month three, I changed from choosing to love to having no choice. Every fibre of my being loves them.
It’s hard because I do believe that kids should be with their family. That they shouldn’t have to grow up with the stigma of foster care. That they shouldn’t have to straddle worlds and cultures.
But that means giving them up, and i don’t want to.


Struggle and foolishness


As I’ve been struggling to understand how I deal with not being a part of their lives, not being able to guide and correct them, not being able to teach them about God, not being able to help them grow up into good men, it has struck me that I have been thinking foolishly

It is foolish to think that I love these children more than God does.

It is foolish to think that I can better guide and grow these children that God can.

Foolish thoughts indeed.



Well, they’ve made the decision to make the decision to transition them to Nan. The actual decision will be made at court early next month then the idea will be to gradually transition them within six months (which I assume means arse fart around for three or four months ‘planning’ then transition then over six weeks or so). I’m not telling them or many others until court next month when it will be in concrete. Obviously Prince Charming won’t be coming (thanks for that three months of waiting).

It’s probably the best for them. But it sure sucks from over here.

No news is…


…good news?

I haven’t heard anything and biomum’s facebook says nothing about court. I’ll ring on Monday to see if I can find out more.

Buddy’s blisters are almost dried out, so we’ll be able to go back into the world tomorrow or the next day. Hooray.

No sign’s that Champ has come down with it, so here’s hoping we’re in the clear.

My friend hasn’t had her baby yet and I’ve been able to sort out friends to look after the boys ¬†when the call comes.

I was only woken up once last night, and the kids slept until 6:45am.

Things are just better.


No idea what is going on…


I thought court was today. But it may in fact be tomorrow. I have no idea, but their caseworker couldn’t talk to me today when I rang. Buddy is not teething. He has hand foot and mouth. His biomum is going to rehab next week for up to six months, and now she doesn’t get to see him before she goes because he’s not allowed to go to visits. And I don’t know if I’m going to be able to be a birth partner at my friends birth (she was due yesterday), because everyone I had lined up to look after my kids also have their own kids who don’t need exposure to hfm.

Oh and I’ve barely slept for three days due to a screaming Buddy.

This week sucks.

Not fun.


Two year old is cutting his molars. It is not fun.

Two year old didn’t go to visit due to said molars, fever and generally screaming when anything touches his mouth. I’m missing my two kid free hours. It is not fun.

Close friend is due to give birth, I’m birth partner, two year old is sick, worried I won’t be able to go. It is not fun.

Court is on Thursday. It is not fun.

Hoping I’m just getting worked up over nothing. This week is just not fun.

All the bs…


Just had a very frank discussion with the support worker for the boy’s family. She basically told me almost the complete opposite of what CS told me the other day. The long and the short of it, taking into account the conflicting information, is that there is a small but very real chance that at court next week the judge could order the boys back to Nan. Please pray for the Judge, as he will presumably also be given conflicting information (unless CS has been lying to me, which is very possible) that he will be able to make a decision that is in the best interest of the boys. It now seems unlikely that the boys will live with me long term (contrary to what CS had been implying) and will eventually go back to live with Nan.

I don’t know how I’m feeling about all this. I support reunification but had been told it was a very remote possibility so it is all very sudden.