Two things

Had two things I really had to do today.

I did them both.

Before lunch.

Is it possible I’m starting to be a functioning human being again?

That said, the only thing I’ve eaten today is chocolate brownie…

It sucks.

Just in case you were wondering…

Sleeping

An hour and a half to go.

They are sleeping.

It just feels stupid and surreal.

Seriously, who would love kids like this and then watch them go…

I just want to skip forward to the bit where it is ok again.

Cuddles

Started crying last night after I had gone to bed for no reason (well, I mean obviously there is a reason, but no particular trigger). May have gone and got Buddy out of bed and brought him in to sleep with me…

Final Days

The countdown is on now. Three and a half days til they are gone.

I don’t know what is happening with Nan. After such a positive experience last week, this week no reply to my letter and she didn’t pick up the phone when I rang her. We will just have to wait and see. The kids are really positive about living with Nan and I think they genuinely want to go.

For now I”m soaking up all the snuggles I can get and trying to keep things sane and normal for my beautiful kidlets.

It’s stupid…

…but some of the things I struggle with the most are the food they are given to eat (junk junk and more junk), the fact they aren’t made to sleep enough and the suspicion that they can pretty much do what they want.

I know they are safe. I know they are loved. I know that mentally and emotionally they are likely better off with Nan. But dammit I want them to eat fruit and veggies, get enough sleep and have rules to follow!

I guess essentially they will be better off in areas I couldn’t really control and worse off in areas I could. And I’ve been holding on pretty tightly to those things I could control for the last seven months and now I need to learn how to let go.

 

It’s Friday!!!

The boys will be back at 2.30. Can’t wait.

But I”m also kind of nervous. Nervous that it will be painful for us all. Nervous that the boys will be confused and unhappy.

What do you know, they do have phones!

Just told CS that I won’t be taking any more kids for the next couple of months. They rang asking for respite for ‘a couple of kids’ for one, two, maybe three weeks (as in they rang ‘just to see how you are going with the boys leaving, oh and by the way…’). I’m just a few months shy of completing my Masters in Social Work so I’m going to take a break to get that done.  I have  three months (full time) of prac to do then I will jump back on the fostering bandwagon. I need time to heal my heart and to see what happens with Champ and Buddy. I need to prepare myself again for the huge emotional drain of starting fresh. The idea of being childless again for a few months is scary, but I think it is necessary to make sure I can do it right next time too.

I will however be keeping you all appraised of what’s happening with the boys so I won’t be disappearing from blog land 🙂

…

I’m bored. And I miss my kids. And I’m stressing out because I forgot to pack pj pants because the worker turned up half an hour early and I wasn’t ready. And I should be able to just ring them and check they are ok. Foster care sucks.

I’m guessing they don’t have phones…

…which would explain why the random caseworker showed up half an hour early. The boys were not ready and I hadn’t finished packing. Hope I didn’t forget anything important. I’m used to them being gone for a few hours in the afternoon for visits and such like, don’t think their absence will really kick in until tonight.

Champ was really looking forward to going, but when crunch time came he didn’t want to. Lots of stalling tactics and unhappiness. Buddy however had really be apprehensive about going, kept asking “Mummy come too?” and saying “No, stay with Mummy”, but was happy as Larry when the worker came to pick them up.

I wrote Nan a letter and put it in the boys luggage. Will see what comes of that.

Not quite sure what I’m supposed to do with myself now…